Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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