I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
