So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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