if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
