I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
whose parrot is this?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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