also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize