Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
