im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
