my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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