Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
