Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
