Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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