Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
