Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
