oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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