i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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