i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
