I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
