Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
