hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
