So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
50% drunk capacity currently
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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