HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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