well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
