May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need water and some morals
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
