Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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