her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
