Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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