My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
