what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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