Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
