just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
