Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
