I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ladies don't puke and tell
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
