I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
