So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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