Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
