Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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