Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
