It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
