I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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