I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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