Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
