Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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