i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
