Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Terrible idea I love it
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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