I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
