bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
