apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
