Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
