It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
