I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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