if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
