NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
