I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
