im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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