Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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