the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
