Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
