I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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